I read an article (cant remember where) that said that there are countries that have a national day of divorce. It trickered me to deepen a little bit in this subject as I see seperation and divorce happen quite often, also in my own personal environment.
The national day is there to bring awareness to the subject. How to handle a seperation with decency, without fighting so you can both be on your way again, to a new future without each other. A good thing I suppose as divorce happens in 1/3 of the marriages these days, and as you can image children are mostly involved as well so a bit extra guidance and information is not misplaced.
You probably feel upset or as failing as everything you once dreamed of having together all ends. The dream stopped dreaming and maybe even turned into a nightmare. Todays society gives us the choice to divorce instead of staying together in a loveless, maybe friendship based marriage for the sake of the outside world or for the childeren.
In fact, staying together for only the children can do more harm than good for them. A marriage together based on friendship for children is only a friendship and not a love relationship. Nevertheless a divorce is a hard thing to go through especially for children but there are some things you, as a parent, can do to help them during the process.
Children are always a priority
With good guidance and loving support of both parents most children will do remarkably well after a divorce. They are more resilient than we think and are very well capable of adjusting and bouncing back after such change in their lives.
Make sure you aknowledge their feelings of sadness or anger and keep telling them that without a doubt it is not their fault mom and dad are not together anymore, they are not to blame.
Children of seperated or divorced parents learn to deal with setbacks in an early stage in life. This would have been unthinkable decades ago, but so was WIFI and women in politics. Discussing a subject like this might be a bit controversial for some.
But as I have said before, life changes – times change. Call it evolution or give it another name it really doesnt matter. What does matter is how you handle your divorce in the best way so you both can be good parents for your children. No matter what the situation is, children are a number one priority and there are a few things you can do to help them.
- Always be respectful when you talk about your ex around your children. Negativity can harm them, making them feel they need to take sides. Do you need to rant or vent about your ex? Go see friends or family and express your feelings with them instead with your kids.
- Fight correct. If it so happens that you end up in a discussion (fight) with your ex when your children are present dont call names, dont be rude and dont phisicaly attack, find consensus (make up with each other) at the end.
- Stay positive. Staying positive is one of the best ways to invluence your child. Go and do things they like to do. When children (and adults) feel positive they can and will handle the negative much better.
- Stay emotional involved. Talk with your children and better yet listen to what they say and look at how they behave. When a child realizes it is not their fault, they will not feel guilty anymore. Reconize their feelings. If your children are to little to talk with, let them puzzle, paint, draw and look closely.
- Build trust for the future talk about what your child already has acomplished what they want to be when they grow up and make plans for your life which include them. (House, holidays etc)
When asked children later on how they feel now mom and dad are divorced they tell things like
- It is nice they never fight (anymore)
- It is okay they seperated. They werent good together, far to different. They are now much happier and so am I
- It was a relieve. I always had a feeling of stress and anciety with me when they where both at home. Like I needed to sided with one of them. I mostly stayed/played in my room by myself. Now they are divorced I dont feel like I have to choose anymore.
In some cases the ending of a toxic marriage is the best thing that can happen for the child (as well as for both partners). For example
- Continues tension at home is not healthy for a childs well being
- Fear, it can create fear of intimacy when they are growing up having effects in their adult life as well. They dont want (they fear) the type of loveless relationship their parents had.
- Emotional damage caused by cold and distand harmonie between parents if any harmonie at all.
It is a fact that in most cases a divorce is emotinal and sad for children. But the risk of children not coping well after has more to do with how well the parents handle the divorce all together in the first place.
Funny fact the best thing you can do is getting divorced while you are still in a respectful relationship with eachother. Then you can arrange everything with grace and dignity. However for the most that is the time where you think things still have a change, the situation hasnt gotten bad enough yet to separate so the lingering continues.
But be wise, take some advise.
Handle it and your ex with respect no matter how rough it might get. It will do your child more good then you now realize.
Till next time.